When Love Faces Midlife: A Story of Transformations

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Hello there and welcome to our show today, Midlife crisis,

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bomb drop and beyond. I'm going to start with a little background on what

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we call midlife crisis. We're going to refer to it often as mlc,

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which stands for midlife crisis. You're going to hear about the midlife

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crisis spouse and then you'll also hear about the left

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behind spouse known as the LBs. You'll hear

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words like bomb drop and tunnel. And I'll give

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you a little background on those too. You know,

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midlife crisis is often dismissed as a cliche,

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but the reality is actually far more serious. During this period

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of midlife crisis, the individual undergoing that

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experience, they have a profound psychological

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and emotional upheaval. It often leads them to make impulsive

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and self dest decisions. Despite the

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clear signs of instability, MLC individuals are still currently

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allowed to like, file for divorce, sell their family homes, make irreversible

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financial and legal choices, often to the devastation

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of their long term spouses and families.

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I'll tell you a little about bomb drop. The bomb drop that we're going

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to be talking about in almost every episode is actually the moment

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when a person, often the spouse, unexpectedly announces

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that they want a divorce, a major life change, or they suddenly adopt an

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entirely new personality. There's some symptoms

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of that, such as going from a loving spouse

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to all of a sudden committed to being cold,

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indifferent, cruel. They rewrite history.

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They can claim they've never been happy despite years of apparent contentment.

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And I mean even 20, 30, 40 years being

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happily married. And then all of a sudden you wake up one morning and they

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say, you know what honey, I, I haven't been happy for 40 years,

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so you can see where I'm going. It's a little, little disconcerting

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to the, the left behind spouse. And you know, you feel like you're,

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the rug's been pulled out from under you. There's horrendous discard you're

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going to be hearing about because it's just not like a normal breakup. It's,

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it's pretty different. Many bomb droppers become infatuated

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with a new partner. This is known as limerence. You'll hear that

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word every now and then as well.

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I already mentioned, they often file for divorce. Suddenly they liquidate assets.

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For the spouse on the receiving end, it often feels like their world has exploded.

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Hence the term bomb drop. Many struggle to

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reconcile the sudden change as the MLC person appears

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almost unrecognizable. Some later regret

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their choices, but by then the damage is often extensive.

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And irreparable. So thank you

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for joining us today because now you're going to hear from people

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from around the world as they tell their story from Bomb drop

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and beyond.

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The stories and events discussed in this podcast are based on personal experiences

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and are intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. They should

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not be considered legal, medical or professional advice.

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Any names, locations or identifying details have been changed to

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protect privacy. Any similarities to actual persons,

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living or dead, or real events are purely coincidental.

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The views and opinions expressed by guests are their very own

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and do not necessarily reflect those of the host or the podcast creators.

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Listeners should consult with a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances.

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Well, welcome everybody today and welcome to guests all

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the way from Europe and where we've got our guest today that's

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going to tell us a little bit bit about her story. Go ahead and just

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start and you can tell our viewers about your story. Maybe a

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little history leading up to the bomb drop. And bomb drop

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means the day she found out that her life was going to take a different

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direction. So go ahead. Thank you for inviting

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me. Well, Our story started 45 years

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ago. Sweet 16 for me first love.

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He was 19 years old. Fast forward.

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It was a marriage with difficulties.

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I was attracted by his emotional stability which

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appeared to be later on rather a dissociative coping

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strategy from an avoidant attachment style.

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This avoidance style became clear during disagreements.

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He would give me the silent treatment instead of talking out problems.

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During the silent treatment, for instance, you would speak to

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me but not in a friendly atmosphere. It could

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do like for three weeks and my personality

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is rather direct and confrontational and that

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it was not helping at all and this would be very triggering

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for him. Also he kept me always at arm's length

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by working very hard, having clearly other priorities than

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myself. He was being part of a sports

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team as well. That was one of his priorities.

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That being said, my husband ex husband was

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very entrepreneurial,

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fun to live with and he had a

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cheerful personality. So years went by.

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We were blessed with two beautiful sons. Ex husband

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made an extraordinary beautiful house in a breathtaking

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natural location. During this period his

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brother passed, followed later on by his sister.

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When ex husband approached retirement,

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he started talking about selling our house

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as this house is located in the best nature scenery.

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I couldn't understand why he stated that

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retirement the house would be way too expensive for us

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to keep. He wanted to move to our son's place

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or he would be building another

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house, but we had to leave. At the

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same time my ex husband became less cheerful.

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He reconnected with his favorite youth sports

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team in his late 50s, early 60s.

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First bum drop. Ex husband arrived with

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two sons at a house. He had to convince me

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concerning the sale of the house. So,

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reinforced by the two sons, a year went

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by. On a Sunday morning, while I was visiting

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my parents, my ex husband left with his van.

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We were in no contact during the entire month he

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was traveling abroad. After this month,

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he returned home with a proposition to continue

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the relationship on condition that I changed two

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things that would make our relationship more

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positive. Time went by and things

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did not really turn out in the good direction.

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I started several times couples therapy at

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a therapist's place. He would always talk about a house sale.

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Then, very suddenly, one of our best friends

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died. My husband was very shocked about his passing.

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The shock pulled him out of MLC or out of the crisis.

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All of the sudden, he saw the light again and he recognized

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his priorities in life, which seemed to be us.

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Fast forward again. Ex husband bought

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a camper without my knowledge. He claimed

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the camper to be our son's property, which it

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wasn't. This was a major confrontation.

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Next day, he wanted me to contact the realtor

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to sell the house, which I refused. So ex husband put our

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house on sale without my consent.

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I asked him, is this about a house? Is this about me?

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He replied, the house has to go and you have to take care of

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yourself in the future. The following days, he monstered

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severely. He needed to be able to travel

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whenever he wanted, where he wanted.

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Also our families of origin, they were way

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too different. And also he

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told me, you lack administrative skills,

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etc. Etc.

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He prepared the house for the sale. Eventual buyers

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would be visiting our house while I was walking the dogs for hours.

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I then put a firm boundary. I told

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him, if you continue the sale, I will never

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look at you again. He stopped the sale,

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stayed another six months at home,

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did some traveling and eventually left. He left

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3200 miles away and lived in

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his camper at a workaway project with youthful

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people building a community. He stayed there for eight

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months. In summer, he comes back and stays at our son's

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property. Helping son and his family around the house.

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Being with the grandchildren. We do have two grandchildren.

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So he has been living abroad for three years in the

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winter, during eight months, the four months he comes

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back, we are around five to six years

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after my first bomb drop. But it was the

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third bomb drop that was the most devastating.

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Husband divorced me. Ex husband divorced me two months ago.

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He will be coming back in two months in order to Prepare

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the house for the sale. We are in smart contact.

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From what I can sense, he's still replaying

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avoiding and escaping.

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As a partner of an mlseer, we know what happens to

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us doesn't add up.

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Sometimes we sense that the mlseer is saying the exact

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opposite of what he wants to say.

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As I was so traumatized at bomb drop,

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I was in a very bad place. I put all

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blame on myself. One year and a half later, I came

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across a text that listed the MLC signs.

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So the signs of people in midlife crisis.

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Exact way I experienced our breakup. I was

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baffled. Needless to say that this discovery was an immense

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relief. I could let go of all the blame I put on myself.

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My healing could start from then on immediately. I started

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a private Facebook group for people

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who are encountering this challenging crisis as

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a partner in order to be able to inform them

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concerning the causes, the progression.

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My biggest goal at this moment is to let go of all

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resentment. This has to go through

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acknowledging the mechanism of origin

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of the crisis. So it has to go that

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way for me. We learn this way that the crisis is

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not the choice of the midlife crisis. Their brain

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chemicals are imbalanced. They have to go through an emotional

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individuation as the crisis seems to be a collapse

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of an emotional avoidance system.

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This avoidant attachment style find its origin

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in childhood emotional misattunement and or

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childhood trauma. The way the LBs has

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to go is to heal through detachment. This is a healing that

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can help us in different areas of life. I healed a lot.

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I learned a lot. For instance, not to think things personal

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in life. That's where my story ends,

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I think for now. Or maybe I can answer some

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questions if you have. I'm so sorry for

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all this that you've gone through. How long? The total.

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The total. We have been married like for 38 years.

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Wow. And he had the three. How. How much time

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was in between each bomb drop? Well, I can't

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remember. I. Maybe I would. I would say like a

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year, a year and a half. Wow.

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So like he'd had the first one and then.

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And then after. I think you said after the third

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death that his friend that pulled him out of the first midlife

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crisis and then first. Yeah, yeah.

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And then a few. He was really pulled out all of the sudden.

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Wow. Isn't that crazy? Like overnight kind of thing? Yeah.

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Yeah. And then. And then

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about a year and a half went by before he bought the van.

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I don't know exactly how much time it was after the first bomb drop.

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Because I wasn't aware of a bomb drop at all. That's true.

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At the time you were familiar with midlife crisis, right? I was

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not familiar with midlife crisis. And I put

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always the blame on me. I was thinking that I did all things

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wrong and yeah, I was confused.

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Yeah, we totally get it. And so what a relief

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to find, to discover that there's actually a,

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a really specific order that the midlife crisis

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sort of goes through, you know, from leading up to it to

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the way it happens and all. And actually in

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your situation, because they do say that for a male, a midlife crisis

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could last anywhere from three to 10 years. So when that, when his friend

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died, he wasn't even finished with his

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crisis. He just came right out of it and then he went back in.

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And it's crazy that you say this because we hear this a lot,

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that if somebody, you know, that they could be pulled out too early

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and then they go back and they say that it can be the,

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it can be worse. The second time, did you feel like it was

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a little worse the second. Time I had, I had three times.

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The third was really with severe monstering.

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Wow. Was very traumatizing. While the first

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two, he was always talking about selling the house and I,

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I didn't feel concerned. I was thinking, oh, we're going

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to solve this problem. There will be a solution.

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The grandchildren will be there and he will

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change his mind and like that. But the house

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sale, I don't know. I didn't understand why do we had to sell the house?

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Yeah, yeah. And that's interesting because

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it sounds like he was thinking of that for

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years beforehand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this house

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was his pride and this pride didn't make him happy.

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So he had to get rid of it. That's my opinion,

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my insight. Wow. He had to get rid

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of everything that didn't make him happy, so to speak. The house,

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me. It was even he was talking about the neighbors. All of a sudden

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the neighbors weren't, weren't good enough anymore.

246
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,100
Something he never, he never told me.

247
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,112
Do you know if he had an affair partner during any of those periods.

248
00:15:54,176 --> 00:15:57,340
While he was living in. He's living in winter in,

249
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:02,480
on the island like 3200

250
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:06,432
kilometer miles away. I know during one winter

251
00:16:06,496 --> 00:16:10,176
he was living with a lady. And of course he's

252
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:13,690
saying, what he's telling me is he was co housing. Yeah, it was

253
00:16:13,730 --> 00:16:17,674
co housing. Right. I can't, I can't control it. It's.

254
00:16:17,722 --> 00:16:22,714
It's far away from me and I Have no interest in knowing neither,

255
00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:25,882
because it was. It will not help me. Yep.

256
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,898
Wow. And how did you discover like, you know,

257
00:16:29,954 --> 00:16:33,242
the. How did you hear about midlife crisis? Had you heard of it before and

258
00:16:33,266 --> 00:16:36,762
had you thought like many people think, oh, it, somebody's getting

259
00:16:36,786 --> 00:16:40,122
Botox or they're getting a new car? No, it was on

260
00:16:40,146 --> 00:16:44,290
the Internet that I, that I came across this list with the

261
00:16:44,330 --> 00:16:48,430
signs, the signs of midlife crisis written on.

262
00:16:48,730 --> 00:16:51,650
And so you took the test and realized, oh, wow, he's checking off all.

263
00:16:51,690 --> 00:16:54,962
No, no, no, it wasn't a test. It was written like this. All of a

264
00:16:54,986 --> 00:16:58,754
sudden your husband becomes monstering and you are the

265
00:16:58,762 --> 00:17:02,978
blame of everything. He changes his personality like 180

266
00:17:03,034 --> 00:17:06,466
degrees. He wants to be youthful again. He's afraid

267
00:17:06,498 --> 00:17:10,430
of dying. He wants to live.

268
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:14,842
My husband at third bomb drop. He was telling me

269
00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:18,458
I have to travel, I have to travel. I have to be able to

270
00:17:18,514 --> 00:17:22,202
stand wherever in the world whenever I want. And I told

271
00:17:22,226 --> 00:17:25,978
him, but go, go and travel. We will see in two years

272
00:17:26,034 --> 00:17:30,390
when you come back. No, no, no, no. He wanted to leave everything behind.

273
00:17:31,410 --> 00:17:35,018
It was very devastating. So I have my

274
00:17:35,074 --> 00:17:36,630
profession in the house.

275
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,112
Yeah. And then for our viewers that may not

276
00:17:42,136 --> 00:17:45,620
know what monstering means, could you just describe monstering?

277
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:51,580
Yeah, the, the monstering. Like we,

278
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:55,180
we have some. How to say.

279
00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,784
I can't, I can't find the words in English. We have

280
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:03,820
some words we use specifically for the,

281
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:08,562
for the midlife crisis. Monstering means

282
00:18:08,666 --> 00:18:11,858
that he's putting all the blame on me.

283
00:18:11,914 --> 00:18:16,114
He's not taking responsibility whatsoever for nothing

284
00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:19,950
at all. Yeah, he's blaming me like for

285
00:18:20,730 --> 00:18:24,370
having. Not the same humor as he has.

286
00:18:24,490 --> 00:18:28,510
We are like 42 years together. All of the sudden he doesn't like

287
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:32,482
my kind of joking or I don't like his kind

288
00:18:32,506 --> 00:18:35,390
of joking. Our families of origin are.

289
00:18:36,710 --> 00:18:39,822
I'm lacking, lacking skills,

290
00:18:39,966 --> 00:18:41,970
administrative skills.

291
00:18:42,470 --> 00:18:45,486
Yeah, These are all reasons,

292
00:18:45,678 --> 00:18:49,530
stuff like that. You're thinking we've been together 40 years. You know,

293
00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:53,330
but it was true. I am lacking

294
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:58,170
all kind of things, but I'm lacking them since

295
00:18:58,950 --> 00:19:01,530
forever. Right, right.

296
00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:07,582
Well, okay, so let's see. Well, okay, looking back,

297
00:19:07,686 --> 00:19:11,342
did you, do you now see any red flags? Sort of

298
00:19:11,366 --> 00:19:15,198
like some people say, it's like. Yeah, it's like you look back, well,

299
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:19,246
wow, that was. Yeah, the red, the red flags were. The red flags were

300
00:19:19,318 --> 00:19:22,926
that he was not treating me as a priority. He kept

301
00:19:22,958 --> 00:19:26,302
me always at arm's length, which is typically

302
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:29,742
for avoidant attachment style people. So he

303
00:19:29,766 --> 00:19:33,272
was really, really hard worker. There's also a

304
00:19:33,296 --> 00:19:36,728
coping Mechanism to keep to not being

305
00:19:36,864 --> 00:19:40,488
too engaged in the family or in the

306
00:19:40,544 --> 00:19:42,860
romantic atmosphere.

307
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:49,768
Yeah. And the silent treatments. I tried to talk

308
00:19:49,824 --> 00:19:53,688
out problems. I couldn't because he wouldn't

309
00:19:53,784 --> 00:19:56,260
listen to me. He walked away.

310
00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:00,312
Wow. And so did you learn about attachment

311
00:20:00,376 --> 00:20:03,476
styles and all these things after,

312
00:20:03,628 --> 00:20:07,492
like, later? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Because I

313
00:20:07,516 --> 00:20:12,132
was very eager to know

314
00:20:12,156 --> 00:20:15,508
the depth of the origin. That's my

315
00:20:15,564 --> 00:20:19,156
healing. Yep. And now, you know, not to take it personally,

316
00:20:19,268 --> 00:20:22,308
it wasn't you. I mean, no matter who he was with,

317
00:20:22,364 --> 00:20:24,560
this was going to happen, you know?

318
00:20:25,820 --> 00:20:28,760
And you guys have kids and grandchildren.

319
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:32,384
How's that going? I have two sons who

320
00:20:32,392 --> 00:20:38,048
are avoidant as well. So I'm

321
00:20:38,064 --> 00:20:41,580
not going to say that they stand by their father, but they

322
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:49,040
comprehend their father because they

323
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:53,072
act the same way. I think they took him as

324
00:20:53,096 --> 00:20:57,162
a role model. And maybe my attachment style

325
00:20:57,306 --> 00:21:01,978
wasn't perfect as well. I think I was rather disorganized,

326
00:21:02,074 --> 00:21:03,070
attached.

327
00:21:04,770 --> 00:21:08,010
Wow. Is there anything you wish you

328
00:21:08,050 --> 00:21:10,510
knew before the bomb drops?

329
00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:14,922
Yes, of course, because I

330
00:21:14,946 --> 00:21:18,186
went in a very bad place at the third

331
00:21:18,258 --> 00:21:21,482
bomb drop. I was really in a bad place.

332
00:21:21,666 --> 00:21:25,290
So if I knew that the blame wasn't to put all on

333
00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:28,650
me, wouldn't have gone so deep.

334
00:21:31,950 --> 00:21:35,526
You mentioned you were in counseling or with a therapist. Yeah, we tried couples

335
00:21:35,558 --> 00:21:39,078
therapy three times, but he was always talking about the house

336
00:21:39,134 --> 00:21:43,330
sale. And then.

337
00:21:44,110 --> 00:21:47,622
Yeah, a lot of times I hear that counselors may

338
00:21:47,646 --> 00:21:50,330
not realize that there's the ML.

339
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:55,122
No, no, no, no, no. Counselors. They say you

340
00:21:55,146 --> 00:21:58,630
have to live your life. So leave. Wow.

341
00:21:59,370 --> 00:22:02,898
Must have been upsetting too. Well, how's, like, what's life like now?

342
00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:05,362
Now you guys are. You're preparing to sell.

343
00:22:05,546 --> 00:22:08,722
Yes, because the house is too big

344
00:22:08,746 --> 00:22:12,034
for me and now it's too expensive for me to

345
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:16,146
keep it. I can't buy him out. I have to search another

346
00:22:16,218 --> 00:22:18,910
place and where I can work, do my work.

347
00:22:19,620 --> 00:22:23,292
And so he. Yeah. And he wants half of the

348
00:22:23,316 --> 00:22:26,860
money to. Yeah, to live his life, I think. Yep.

349
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:30,412
Wow. So how are you handling this? And, you know, are you looking forward to

350
00:22:30,436 --> 00:22:33,692
the future? Have you sort of, you know, do you think you guys would ever

351
00:22:33,716 --> 00:22:36,892
reconcile? Like, you know, what do you see in the

352
00:22:36,916 --> 00:22:40,780
future? Yeah. Yes, of course. The man who is

353
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:45,404
now. I don't want him. If, you know the phenomenon,

354
00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:48,930
mlc, the. The personality

355
00:22:49,010 --> 00:22:52,946
changes. Yeah. It's not the man I want to be with

356
00:22:53,018 --> 00:22:56,354
at this moment. So the future is still open

357
00:22:56,442 --> 00:22:59,714
for me. So if he is able to

358
00:22:59,882 --> 00:23:03,890
look into his. To do his shadow work as

359
00:23:03,930 --> 00:23:08,510
we go, to look into his own Weaknesses or

360
00:23:09,210 --> 00:23:12,834
can he have remorse? Yeah,

361
00:23:12,882 --> 00:23:16,236
that would be an. An open

362
00:23:16,308 --> 00:23:20,120
gate, maybe. I don't know, an open door. I don't know.

363
00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:24,520
I'm living my life. I try to live my life and

364
00:23:25,140 --> 00:23:28,300
I don't know at all the way he is now. No,

365
00:23:28,420 --> 00:23:31,484
no. Right. Because he's not the man you fell in love with and married,

366
00:23:31,532 --> 00:23:33,880
that's for sure. No, no, no, no, no.

367
00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:38,960
And you guys, this has been going on about six years overall.

368
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:42,560
Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Five to six years somewhere.

369
00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:46,772
He could be nearing the end eventually. And I guess you've seen it

370
00:23:46,796 --> 00:23:49,560
happen before where it's almost overnight situation.

371
00:23:51,340 --> 00:23:54,612
Wow. Well, are there things that you'd like the listeners today to take

372
00:23:54,636 --> 00:23:58,180
away from, you know, if you were to give people any advice or

373
00:23:58,220 --> 00:24:02,240
little words of encouragement if they're, if they're, you know, going through this?

374
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:07,600
Yes, I can. I can tell that to

375
00:24:08,380 --> 00:24:12,500
inform myself about the origin of midlife crisis is

376
00:24:12,540 --> 00:24:14,080
to take it not personal.

377
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,040
It's very, very difficult. It's really a

378
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,380
challenge to not take this personal.

379
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,296
Exactly. You know, I get it. And it's sad

380
00:24:27,328 --> 00:24:31,340
when people are going through this and they don't realize that it's not them.

381
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,152
It's not them. Yeah. It's just like a

382
00:24:35,176 --> 00:24:37,936
disease, you know, that's affecting your family.

383
00:24:38,088 --> 00:24:41,432
And instead of just affecting one person,

384
00:24:41,576 --> 00:24:45,240
it's affecting, you know, more than just that one

385
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,352
person. Yes. Often children are involved

386
00:24:49,416 --> 00:24:51,340
in the midlife crisis.

387
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:56,860
Doesn't care anymore about his own children. It's unbelievable.

388
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,360
And thank you for spreading the awareness.

389
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,056
This is a great work. Oh, thanks. Well, you know,

390
00:25:06,128 --> 00:25:09,640
it is. It's so important, like you said, that people that are going

391
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,144
through it, what we call LBs, the left behind spouses,

392
00:25:13,272 --> 00:25:16,184
it's so important that they know it's not them.

393
00:25:16,352 --> 00:25:19,624
And it's a disease, I'll just refer to

394
00:25:19,632 --> 00:25:22,760
it, I guess, as a disease. But, you know, we.

395
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,592
And there's nothing, there's no way to pull the person out. And just like you

396
00:25:25,616 --> 00:25:29,640
saw firsthand when your husband did come out, he came out too early

397
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,352
and he hadn't gone through the whole crisis. And. And then like you

398
00:25:33,376 --> 00:25:36,712
said, it was even worse later. So, yeah, yeah,

399
00:25:36,776 --> 00:25:40,426
he came out of the crisis, but he was telling me I had to change

400
00:25:40,568 --> 00:25:44,342
10 things positively not him. So he

401
00:25:44,366 --> 00:25:48,246
wasn't, he wasn't ready at all. Yeah. Wow.

402
00:25:48,278 --> 00:25:51,702
He still put the blame on me. I had to change everything. And I

403
00:25:51,726 --> 00:25:52,690
believed him.

404
00:25:55,230 --> 00:25:58,502
Because, you know. Exactly. Because, you know, you're thinking

405
00:25:58,566 --> 00:26:01,942
rationally and, you know, like a rational person would

406
00:26:01,966 --> 00:26:05,158
think that, you know, like work together to make it happen.

407
00:26:05,214 --> 00:26:09,508
Let's, you know. Because you took vows. Well, you know, you sound super

408
00:26:09,564 --> 00:26:13,444
resilient and positive and like a strong person

409
00:26:13,612 --> 00:26:17,044
and, you know, it's great. I'm glad you're keeping the door

410
00:26:17,092 --> 00:26:20,372
open for the future because none of us know what. Hold. What.

411
00:26:20,396 --> 00:26:23,492
The future. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I don't. I don't want

412
00:26:23,516 --> 00:26:26,308
to pronounce myself now in any direction.

413
00:26:26,484 --> 00:26:30,120
Bye. So. So, Jane,

414
00:26:30,620 --> 00:26:33,360
what would you like listeners to take away from today?

415
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:37,700
Yes, that's a good one. As in general

416
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,528
is blamed by the husband, the LBs,

417
00:26:41,624 --> 00:26:44,984
the left behind spouse. She takes the blame

418
00:26:45,032 --> 00:26:48,568
on herself or on himself for the man.

419
00:26:48,624 --> 00:26:52,632
Then I want to say mlc, midlife crisis

420
00:26:52,696 --> 00:26:56,600
is not your fault. MLC is childhood trauma,

421
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,798
which then happened long time before the left

422
00:27:00,854 --> 00:27:04,382
behind spouse appeared on stage. People who

423
00:27:04,406 --> 00:27:08,574
have an avoidant attachment style tend to compartmentalize

424
00:27:08,702 --> 00:27:12,650
difficult emotions, which means they don't experience

425
00:27:13,270 --> 00:27:15,970
later on in midlife.

426
00:27:16,310 --> 00:27:19,998
Emotional intense incidents trigger

427
00:27:20,094 --> 00:27:23,694
this avoiding coping mechanism and this coping

428
00:27:23,742 --> 00:27:27,268
mechanism implodes or collapses. Well,

429
00:27:27,324 --> 00:27:30,320
that's. Hello, crisis. The crisis starts then.

430
00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:34,920
I'd like to refer to some interesting resources.

431
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:39,172
We can find a lot of information at the Hero Spouse

432
00:27:39,236 --> 00:27:42,996
website and the Facebook group. It's a private Facebook

433
00:27:43,148 --> 00:27:46,868
group. I'd like to call Hart's Blessings book, the eight

434
00:27:46,924 --> 00:27:50,724
stages of Midlife, the bible of mlc.

435
00:27:50,852 --> 00:27:55,200
It's based on the grief stages from Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

436
00:27:55,380 --> 00:27:58,648
Jim Conway adopted them to the midlife,

437
00:27:58,744 --> 00:28:02,456
adapted them to the midlife crisis. The book

438
00:28:02,528 --> 00:28:05,980
from Terence Real is very insightful.

439
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,424
It's called I Don't want to talk about It.

440
00:28:10,592 --> 00:28:13,736
It's about male. It describes male

441
00:28:13,848 --> 00:28:16,820
depression. Then we also have.

442
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,184
The title is I Don't want to talk about It.

443
00:28:20,272 --> 00:28:23,840
Okay, thanks. Yeah. Then we still have

444
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,648
Jonas Webb. She has written a great book on childhood

445
00:28:27,744 --> 00:28:31,808
emotional neglect. The name of the book is Running on

446
00:28:31,864 --> 00:28:36,752
Empty. The book Attached

447
00:28:36,896 --> 00:28:40,768
provides clean insight in attachments disorders.

448
00:28:40,864 --> 00:28:45,040
Written by Amir or Amir, I don't know how you pronounce it.

449
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,192
Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The name

450
00:28:48,216 --> 00:28:51,582
of the book is Attached. So it's about

451
00:28:51,686 --> 00:28:56,190
attachment disorders. Very, very insightful and

452
00:28:56,230 --> 00:28:59,806
can be. Yeah. Insightful for midlife crisis.

453
00:28:59,918 --> 00:29:03,742
I think I just named some interesting books to

454
00:29:03,766 --> 00:29:07,342
start with. Yeah, that's it, as a matter of

455
00:29:07,366 --> 00:29:11,470
fact. Wow. Well, those are wonderful resources.

456
00:29:11,550 --> 00:29:15,118
Thank you so much, Jane, because that is a huge thing. Especially when somebody's

457
00:29:15,134 --> 00:29:18,690
new to this and they're looking for answers because nothing makes sense.

458
00:29:19,390 --> 00:29:22,342
So thank you so much for providing those resources.

459
00:29:22,486 --> 00:29:25,606
And if anybody has questions, they can reach out to us.

460
00:29:25,678 --> 00:29:29,062
I believe my email's on the podcast somewhere and

461
00:29:29,166 --> 00:29:32,470
we can always get you more information. Well,

462
00:29:32,590 --> 00:29:35,410
Jane, did you have anything else to add for today?

463
00:29:36,430 --> 00:29:40,374
No, I just want to thank you that I had occasion to share my story.

464
00:29:40,462 --> 00:29:43,650
Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much.

465
00:29:44,030 --> 00:29:47,060
All right, thank you listeners and thank you,

466
00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:50,564
Jane for this insightful info and I'm sure we'll be talking

467
00:29:50,612 --> 00:29:52,760
again soon. Thanks guys.

468
00:29:54,140 --> 00:29:57,956
Thank you for joining us today as we discuss

469
00:29:58,028 --> 00:30:01,252
this topic. You know the mental health community has yet to

470
00:30:01,276 --> 00:30:04,516
formally classify midlife crisis as a psychological impairment

471
00:30:04,548 --> 00:30:08,084
with real world consequences similar to what you've heard today.

472
00:30:08,252 --> 00:30:12,466
Research suggests that MLC can involve symptoms similar to depression,

473
00:30:12,588 --> 00:30:15,410
identity crisis, and even dissociative states.

474
00:30:15,710 --> 00:30:19,254
Like other conditions that impair judgment, such as manic episodes

475
00:30:19,302 --> 00:30:22,838
and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis, MLC often

476
00:30:22,894 --> 00:30:26,086
leads individuals to make reckless decisions similar to that

477
00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:29,654
that they later end up regretting if a person is

478
00:30:29,742 --> 00:30:32,838
in a psychiatric crisis. If a person in

479
00:30:32,894 --> 00:30:36,966
a psychiatric crisis cannot legally sign contracts or make major life decisions

480
00:30:36,998 --> 00:30:40,806
without oversight, why should an individual in the throes of a midlife crisis

481
00:30:40,838 --> 00:30:44,896
be allowed to dismantle a marriage, sell a home, or drain shared finances

482
00:30:44,928 --> 00:30:48,672
without safeguards? We believe legal protections

483
00:30:48,736 --> 00:30:52,432
must be implemented to prevent MLC driven destruction

484
00:30:52,496 --> 00:30:56,032
of families. Legal reforms should be considered such as

485
00:30:56,136 --> 00:31:00,032
waiting periods for major decisions. Just as there are waiting periods for

486
00:31:00,056 --> 00:31:02,848
gun purchases and other high risk actions.

487
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:06,816
A mandatory reflection period should be instituted before finalizing

488
00:31:06,848 --> 00:31:10,446
divorce or selling shared property. During an mlc,

489
00:31:10,638 --> 00:31:14,254
there could be legal oversight for spousal protection if one spouse

490
00:31:14,302 --> 00:31:18,014
claims the other is in a midlife crisis. Courts should require mediation

491
00:31:18,062 --> 00:31:21,774
and mental health assessments before irreversible legal actions

492
00:31:21,822 --> 00:31:26,078
can be taken. It's our efforts through this podcast

493
00:31:26,254 --> 00:31:30,830
that more awareness can be brought to this situation

494
00:31:30,990 --> 00:31:32,330
so that going forward,

495
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:43,000
you know society already protects people from self harm. In cases of

496
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,920
severe mental illness. Similar safeguards should exist to prevent one

497
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:51,160
partner from unilaterally destroying a shared life due to a temporary

498
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:55,240
psychological break. Thank you for having you join us on

499
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,232
our future shows. Thanks so much. Have a super day you guys.