Midlife Crisis: The Hidden Epidemic

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Hello friends. Thank you for joining us today. You know, the mental health

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community has yet to formally classify midlife crisis as a

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psychological impairment with real world consequences.

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Research suggests that EM MLC can involve symptoms

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similar to depression, identity crises and even dissociative

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states. Like other conditions that impair judgment such as

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manic episodes and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis,

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MLC often leads individuals to make reckless decisions

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that they later regret. Midlife crisis is

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often dismissed as a cliche, but the reality that you're going to hear

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here is far more serious. During this period,

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individuals experience a profound psychological emotional

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upheaval leading to impulsive and self destructive

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decisions. Despite the clear signs of instability,

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MLC individuals are currently allowed to file for divorce,

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sell homes and make irreversible financial and legal

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choices, often to the devastation of their

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long term spouses and families.

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Thank you for joining us today because now you are going to

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hear from people around the world as they tell

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their story from Bomb Drop and beyond.

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The stories and events discussed in this podcast are based on our guests

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experiences and are intended for informational and entertainment

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purposes only. They should not be considered legal,

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medical or professional advice. Any names,

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locations or identifying details have been changed to protect

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privacy. Any similarities to actual persons, living or

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dead or real events are purely coincidental. The views and

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opinions expressed by guests are their very own and

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do not necessarily reflect those of the host or the podcast creators.

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Listeners should consult with a qualified professional regarding their own circumstances.

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You all right?

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Hello listeners. Today we have, we have John Doe

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with us and he. This is a situation where John

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is the left behind spouse and his wife had a midlife

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crisis. So John is going to tell us a little bit about his

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situation. Hi John. Hi, thanks for having me.

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Appreciate this giving me a chance to, to tell my story.

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So yeah, I've been in this about two

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and a half years. Bomb drop was October of 2022.

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And you know like, like any individual I

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think that has experienced this as a left behind spouse. There's always bumps

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and bruises during the marriage but I don't think that mine was any

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worse off than anybody else on the street. But it,

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it was certainly a shock to me and since that

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time I've experienced quite a bit. I'm, I'm actually

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divorced. Divorced in August of last year. I had

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to file in August of 23 and

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during that time I've experienced everything from discovering

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the affair. My ex had a baby while we were still

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married with the affair partner. She brought the kids.

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I have two daughters, 9 and 10, right into the Middle of it,

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right at the very beginning, despite my objections, there's been.

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Besides lawyers, there's been therapists,

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police involvement, and just recently, DCF Child

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services as well. I've been threatened in my own home.

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I've been extorted financially. I've lost more

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than half my wealth just given the divorce, plus all the

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legal fees that go with it.

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My parents have been subpoenaed and brought into the mix.

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My children have experienced things that no little girl should ever see

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or experience. And I'm sure I'm leaving

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some. Some details out, but everything in between, it's been

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a horrific two and a half years and,

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you know, just trying to live my life as best I can with

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my kids at the center. And as anybody who's experienced this knows,

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that's very, very hard to do given the behavior

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of. Of these individuals and the lack of protection for us.

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And from my perspective, the legal system and the mental health system

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does not provide. So in a way, we have each other and that's

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about it. Yeah, I feel like,

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because. Is she pretty irrational?

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Oh, very, very much so.

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So I have a couple questions. One, how long have you

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guys been married or had you been married? We were

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married at Bomb drop. Just over 10 years. About 10 and a half

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years. Wow. Yeah. So not. Not, not too long,

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but long enough where, you know, there's a lot of history there. Yeah. And you've

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got two daughters. Yes. Yes. And had you.

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Had you even known about midlife crisis or things like this?

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No. It's. It's interesting how each

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of us finds the. The midlife crisis solution,

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if you will. Like most people, I was frantically trying

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to understand what was going on, you know, Googling every night, listening to YouTube videos

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and podcasts, and you name it, I researched it.

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And I don't remember exactly how I stumbled upon mlc.

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I think I was reading a book. It was maybe written in the 80s.

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It was divorce busting or something to that effect. It was written by

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a mental health expert who talked about ways

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saving a marriage. One person saving a marriage. And there was a small but

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powerful chapter on midlife crisis. And, you know, of course, I knew the

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term we hear in pop culture, you know, the guy with the young girlfriend who

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has the convertible. But that's 1% of what

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this is. And I just kept plugging away, plugging away. And I found more resources,

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and then, you know, finally found a great support group on

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Facebook and just dove right in. And so much

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of it aligned with what I was experiencing, that I said this has to

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be what it is. And I just kept reading and

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reading and reading and the more I became acclimated to its attributes,

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the more I said, okay, yeah, it's not me.

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You found it. Yeah, it was, it was a relief and it was

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a painful one, but it was a relief. And I'm. It took me a while,

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but I'm. Glad I found it because in the beginning were you like, you know,

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most folks sort of feel like, oh my God, what did I do wrong?

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What's going on? Nothing makes sense. They're acting irrationally.

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So for a lot of folks it feels like a real relief to find that

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there's, you know, a diagnosis, if you will. Yeah.

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You know, I think the, the commonality,

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there's so many commonalities between the partners that leave us

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and it's all pattern based. And it's clear that

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we all are victims of that projection that being sold that

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we are the problem. And I was, I, I was the one that left the

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house. I'm like, oh, I'll go sleep somewhere else. I'm sorry, it's all my fault.

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And, and then I had to get others perspective to say, why are you leaving

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the house? Like my own mother in law said, why are you

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leaving? She's the one that left. Wow. Sleep at home.

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And then, and then finally there. Because that's interesting.

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Her mom, her very own mom noticed something was up with her daughter.

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Yeah. So they, they didn't have a good relationship,

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which is again a massive red flag that I ignored. But they,

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they don't talk anymore. I have a great relationship with her mom and she doesn't

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talk to her mom at all. So you know, I told her mom different things

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and she said, oh, it's just a phase, she'll get over it or you know,

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this relationship won't last. But she was very,

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she and I would meet almost daily and she was a good

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person to, to speak to and provide perspective. But yeah,

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it was, you know, kind of eye opening and you know, getting someone, getting third

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parties to look at it objectively was, was important because you just,

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your mind is so screwed up you can't think rationally.

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So getting others perspective gives you a baseline and level sets

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and says, okay, now I can make good decisions because I've gotten someone else's

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perspective. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. What were some

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of the first like signs that that something was,

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you know, bothering her or that she was acting different?

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Like do you recall some of the first, you know,

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things that were different? I think looking Back,

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now that I know what I know, her father passed away in

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February of 2017, so, well before bomb drop.

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But there was a shift in, in her even back then.

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But it was subtle. And as time went on, I,

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I, I don't know really what the reasons were, you know,

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boredom with life, kids getting older, a thousand things

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it could be. But in the springtime of the year,

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she, the year of bomb drop, she decided to join the local fire department.

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She wanted to become an emt. And it was a little, little strange,

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but okay, you know, you want to do something different, that's fine.

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And I supported her in it, but it became, you know, she was

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out of the house quite a bit and you know, she'd cook dinner and leave

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and come back after the kids were in bed, after I was asleep. And you

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know, it just became more and more, and you

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know, her behavior became a little more erratic. And then I, you know, there were

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little subtle signs that I thought, oh, something's going on. But you

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know, I just denied it and said, no, she wouldn't do that, she wouldn't do

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that. And then the night of my

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daughter's birthday, this was just a few days before bomb drop,

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we had gone to a party and she had quite a bit to drink,

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came home, we got into a fight and she tried to

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leave the house and I prevented her from doing so because she was very,

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very drunk. And she wound up calling some of her

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fire department friends and including who

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at the time I didn't know, but was her fair partner, he came into the

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house and she wound up taking the kids and leaving and calling

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the police. And that was kind of the first,

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you know, you know, accusation of he's

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abusive, he's a monster, he's this, he's that. Luckily,

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the police report says I acted reasonably and that she was intoxicated.

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So nothing bad points to me, but it was just behavioral

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things that started small and then just escalated. And then a

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few days later it was bomb drop. And how,

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how did your bomb drop go? Can you talk about it? Like, was it the,

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well, John, I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

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I, you know, was it one of the standard phrases that they

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tend to say? Standard phrase, just same

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thing as everybody else, you know, I love you, but I'm not in love with

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you. My close, my heart to you,

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it's open for someone else. Wow, you know, you deserve better,

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you know, nothing, nothing out of the ordinary, which again, it's, it's all

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pattern based and it's so funny.

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Yeah. You know, when you see these stories, they're so. Every story is

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so similar, and it is. It's almost like.

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Like a zombie thing, you know, When I see the.

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The similarities, it's just amazing. It's like a.

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What do you call it? A. A book, A rule book, you know? Yeah,

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it's a. It's a. It's the playbook. They've. They've got the playbook out.

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And what I find fascinating about that is, you know, in. When I was

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going through the divorce, I had several videos that I had taken.

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Some when she was in the house acting crazy, some through

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security cameras. And she knew I had them, so she wanted to make sure that

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they couldn't be shown to anybody in the future. So she asked for me to

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erase them. And I was adamant. To my attorney, I said, I am going to

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need these, because if a judge were to look at these,

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she would. Or he would look at them and say, this person is manic

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and should not be around young children. And I had to

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convince my attorney, and I couldn't understand.

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I'm like, you must see this constantly in

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divorce cases. Constantly. Whether it's the man or the woman.

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And I know we figured it out, but I found it

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surprising because, you know, I hear about these things so often

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now from people that have just opened up and come to

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me with. With their stories. And I think it's more popular.

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Not more popular, more common than we think it is. Oh,

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yeah. You know what? One person that is in an

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upcoming episode or interview, she. She refers

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to it as an epidemic. You know, and it's

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crazy. Almost every day, if I'm in a grocery store or something and just talking

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to somebody, I hear another story. And it is just.

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It's almost like what's in the water that we're drinking, you know,

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it's really become so mainstream. Well, I think the.

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You know, being in it, and, you know,

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I can say from a male perspective. Cause it's a.

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It's a little bit different, a male versus a woman. And I have young girls.

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What I find is going to happen to society is

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that this will propagate itself almost

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like a pyramid scheme in a way. So in the divorce

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situation I went through, I was raked through

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the coals. I mean, just. I could have been

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living in my car with no custody. Like, it could have gone that way.

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And from. And men. That happens to men all the time.

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So from. And again, it could be the same with women. I'm not just saying

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that, but this Is again, from my perspective, and it's super scary.

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You know, it is very scary. And I read it all the time, and it

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scares the heck out of me. And so were you guys at court or.

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No, mediation. It was court. No, we mediated. And,

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you know, she tried to do certain things, but she just

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maybe wasn't that bonkers then or I just got lucky, I don't know.

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But we were able to stay out of court. And no, I still lost a

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ton, but I was able to get 50% custody, which is what I

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wanted. But I can see a world where people

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get so resentful that they lash

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out and take that out on their children, or they talk about their spouse

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00:14:17,742 --> 00:14:21,134
in front of their children in a bad way, and it just sets the kids

232
00:14:21,182 --> 00:14:24,638
up to do the same thing. So if I only have two kids,

233
00:14:24,654 --> 00:14:27,902
let's say I had four, and let's say I wasn't put together and I

234
00:14:27,926 --> 00:14:31,250
decide I'm going to just talk bad about mom all day long and

235
00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:35,122
make it the worst experience. Now my four children are

236
00:14:35,146 --> 00:14:39,138
set up to have their own midlife crisis. And then if they have kids,

237
00:14:39,314 --> 00:14:42,978
they have kids that will then be set up and it just propagates out because

238
00:14:43,034 --> 00:14:46,882
the system isn't set up to support the family. It's set up to

239
00:14:47,066 --> 00:14:49,390
just divide, make money.

240
00:14:49,690 --> 00:14:52,898
And I think it's going to get worse as time goes on. So when you

241
00:14:52,954 --> 00:14:56,092
see 50% or whatever the number is of

242
00:14:56,116 --> 00:14:59,772
divorces today, that'll grow higher and out of that percentage,

243
00:14:59,836 --> 00:15:03,852
more going to be contentious versus amicable. Yeah, it's a

244
00:15:03,876 --> 00:15:07,964
really good perspective that you describe with the propagating and the kids and.

245
00:15:08,132 --> 00:15:10,640
Yeah, that's. That is really true.

246
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:14,428
So, you know, with women, they. They say. They say that

247
00:15:14,484 --> 00:15:18,092
the average man's MLC is going to be three to 10 years, and a

248
00:15:18,116 --> 00:15:21,730
woman, I think, is three to five. Maybe it's

249
00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:25,650
much shorter. It's shorter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen any

250
00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:28,994
signs that she might be coming out of this? It seems to

251
00:15:29,002 --> 00:15:32,466
be getting worse before it gets better. We don't. We don't communicate

252
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:36,310
whatsoever. There's just more animosity.

253
00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:41,074
And it just seems the more I take back control

254
00:15:41,162 --> 00:15:45,030
or the better I'm living, the worse she feels and the more she hates.

255
00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:48,980
What's interesting is at the very beginning,

256
00:15:49,060 --> 00:15:51,972
this is when she was sort of living here, sort of,

257
00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:55,876
not probably about four months in post bomb

258
00:15:55,908 --> 00:16:00,084
drop, she came back one morning after being away and just

259
00:16:00,172 --> 00:16:03,412
crying, absolutely upset. And she said,

260
00:16:03,436 --> 00:16:06,308
okay, I'll. I'll stay. But, you know, My.

261
00:16:06,364 --> 00:16:09,700
My new friend, the affair partner. He's my best friend. I can't let him

262
00:16:09,740 --> 00:16:12,836
go. And we talked for a while,

263
00:16:12,988 --> 00:16:16,420
and I remember her sitting down, crying, just saying, I can't believe I'm doing

264
00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:19,960
this. I can't believe I'm a person having an affair. And I

265
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,400
compare it to watching her slowly go into

266
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,064
the tunnel. That was the last bit of her that was wholesome

267
00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:30,232
and good. And after that, she was too

268
00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:34,232
far in, but I saw it. And maybe that person will

269
00:16:34,256 --> 00:16:37,464
come back, who knows? But no, that's interesting

270
00:16:37,512 --> 00:16:40,904
you say that, because I've heard several stories where

271
00:16:40,992 --> 00:16:45,056
folks, just like you said, your wife did, is sitting there

272
00:16:45,248 --> 00:16:48,528
just sort of beside themselves with

273
00:16:48,584 --> 00:16:51,760
a realization that what they're doing is not right, but yet

274
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,168
they can't reel it back and they just go

275
00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:58,576
forward and. And then once they're in the tunnel, it's.

276
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:02,896
They're gone. You know, it's so crazy how that is.

277
00:17:03,048 --> 00:17:06,672
And did. Did you find, you know, as a lot of times people say,

278
00:17:06,696 --> 00:17:10,020
the. The MLC spells becomes cruel.

279
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,564
Total discard. Did you feel that? Oh, yeah.

280
00:17:13,612 --> 00:17:17,452
Oh, yeah. There's, you know, some of the things she would say, like, you know,

281
00:17:17,476 --> 00:17:21,356
I. I, of course, didn't want to get divorced, so I wouldn't

282
00:17:21,388 --> 00:17:25,036
agree to do anything related to it. And she started yelling

283
00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:28,332
at me that it's going to cost a ton of money, and I hope the

284
00:17:28,356 --> 00:17:31,660
children hate you for that. When you lose all that money, you know,

285
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,860
I hope you. I hope it hurts the fact that I'm with another man.

286
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:38,400
You know, cruel, cruel statements, almost sadistic.

287
00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:42,228
And it's been, you know, two and a half years of that consistently, and,

288
00:17:42,284 --> 00:17:45,732
you know, now it wouldn't bother me as much, but back then, yeah, you take

289
00:17:45,756 --> 00:17:49,604
it real personal. And it really hurts. How could it not?

290
00:17:49,772 --> 00:17:51,800
Exactly. Wow.

291
00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:56,788
And so when you guys, I guess looking

292
00:17:56,844 --> 00:18:00,404
back, do you now see any red flags? And now that you have the knowledge

293
00:18:00,452 --> 00:18:03,800
that, you know, she wasn't close with her mom, was she close with her dad?

294
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:08,718
Yes, but in a. So he lived overseas and

295
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:12,334
it's not. Like they were tight. No, like that she loved him, but it

296
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:15,950
was. There was something to the dynamic. I still don't understand to this

297
00:18:15,990 --> 00:18:19,390
day. Almost like you didn't love me as a child very much,

298
00:18:19,430 --> 00:18:23,070
but I'm really close to you now. It was. It was

299
00:18:23,110 --> 00:18:26,318
strange, but, yeah. Weird dynamic.

300
00:18:26,414 --> 00:18:29,450
But yeah, I think as far as red flags go, you know,

301
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,040
I mean, prop them up all day long now,

302
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,160
like, I turn my. My head to them,

303
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,392
as many of many people Did. That's what love does. You love the person for

304
00:18:40,416 --> 00:18:43,704
who they are. And you think, okay, they're, they've had a bad history,

305
00:18:43,792 --> 00:18:47,080
they acknowledge it, but they're in a marriage now. You never

306
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,632
would have expected this, but you know, never was

307
00:18:50,656 --> 00:18:54,120
able to sustain any type of relationship with anybody, whether it be

308
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,336
a family member or a friend. You know, she has no friends.

309
00:18:57,488 --> 00:19:00,888
She doesn't really have relationships with anybody

310
00:19:00,904 --> 00:19:03,960
in her family now. And you know,

311
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,240
I'd say the average tenure of any all

312
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,632
relationship she has is probably less than three years. And she's in

313
00:19:10,656 --> 00:19:14,040
her mid-40s. So those types of things go

314
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:17,288
back to the beginning when her childhood was very traumatic.

315
00:19:17,384 --> 00:19:21,544
She was emotionally, emotionally neglected and

316
00:19:21,632 --> 00:19:24,922
you know, just didn't have the child that I had, didn't have

317
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:28,602
those tools. And if I had known, of course, back then

318
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:32,058
when we met, what I know now, I never would have dated her

319
00:19:32,114 --> 00:19:35,482
because I, I know all of that comes back,

320
00:19:35,666 --> 00:19:38,890
but how could we. No, nobody knew about any of this until

321
00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:42,106
you get into it. Actually, when you, like 10 years ago,

322
00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:46,282
you weren't really familiar with, I'd assume you weren't really familiar with attachment

323
00:19:46,346 --> 00:19:50,378
styles and mlc. Okay. And red flags,

324
00:19:50,474 --> 00:19:54,262
you know, things like that. Like you said, you're just average guy,

325
00:19:54,406 --> 00:19:58,134
you know, average girl. Yeah, it is, it's crazy because it

326
00:19:58,142 --> 00:20:01,062
opens your eyes to a whole new world. Yeah. Yeah, I,

327
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:04,902
I've, I've, you know, dipped my toe in the dating world.

328
00:20:05,006 --> 00:20:08,390
And I got to tell you, it's you,

329
00:20:08,430 --> 00:20:11,478
you look at people differently. Everything from

330
00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:15,110
like, you know, if somebody has tattoos, what is that

331
00:20:15,150 --> 00:20:19,046
saying about how they externalize their inside, what their past

332
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:23,256
is, how they talk about their ex and how what they

333
00:20:23,328 --> 00:20:26,632
are like as a parent, like all those things tell a story and things

334
00:20:26,656 --> 00:20:29,912
I would have glossed over before. I've got the microscope out now and

335
00:20:29,936 --> 00:20:33,464
it's a scary world out there, right. Because you're sitting there trying to

336
00:20:33,472 --> 00:20:36,472
get to know them and at the same time analyze them, looking for the red

337
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:40,120
flags. Red flags, you know. Yeah, it's crazy. And then of course

338
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:44,312
there was, you know, you know, when you guys started dating, was there any,

339
00:20:44,496 --> 00:20:48,310
oh, what do you call it? Love bombing?

340
00:20:50,570 --> 00:20:53,650
You know, were you guys, did when you guys met, did you have a quick

341
00:20:53,690 --> 00:20:56,754
courtship before you got married or. Yeah,

342
00:20:56,802 --> 00:21:00,514
I'd say so. I, I had gotten out of a long term relationship just prior

343
00:21:00,562 --> 00:21:03,586
and she was actually married before me to, to somebody

344
00:21:03,618 --> 00:21:06,162
for a brief period of time. So I looked at it as, you know,

345
00:21:06,186 --> 00:21:09,506
we both were in our early 30s. We knew we wanted,

346
00:21:09,698 --> 00:21:13,166
we connected right away. But yeah, it was, it was pretty quick.

347
00:21:13,318 --> 00:21:16,702
And obviously looking back, like, that was a mistake, but, you know,

348
00:21:16,726 --> 00:21:20,174
I, I genuinely thought she was a good. And she was,

349
00:21:20,262 --> 00:21:23,982
she was, she was a great mom, a great wife. Like, nothing, nothing bad

350
00:21:24,006 --> 00:21:27,582
to say in many areas. It's just her past caught up with her.

351
00:21:27,686 --> 00:21:31,262
Yeah. And that's a shame. And, you know, I, I feel bad for the

352
00:21:31,286 --> 00:21:34,702
life she's creating for herself. It's ultimately not her doing, but these

353
00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:37,530
are still her present choices. And,

354
00:21:38,310 --> 00:21:41,534
you know, the consequences that go with them will, will come.

355
00:21:41,702 --> 00:21:45,150
How's it going with the girls? It's pretty good.

356
00:21:45,190 --> 00:21:49,070
You know, I, I, I was always a great dad, but the thing

357
00:21:49,110 --> 00:21:52,990
that that's, that's been thrust upon me is one

358
00:21:53,030 --> 00:21:56,702
person can change the direction of a child's life. One person.

359
00:21:56,886 --> 00:22:00,430
And I know if I provide them that emotional safety, that stability,

360
00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:04,286
that security, that love, they will grow up to be individuals

361
00:22:04,318 --> 00:22:07,832
that are strong, healthy, that will have relationships that are

362
00:22:07,936 --> 00:22:12,168
safe and healthy and secure. They both have anxiety disorders.

363
00:22:12,344 --> 00:22:15,912
They. Wait, did this happen in the last year or

364
00:22:15,936 --> 00:22:19,288
two? Yeah, they've been diagnosed by their, by their therapist

365
00:22:19,384 --> 00:22:22,968
post Bomb Drop. Oh, so they have. There's some, you know,

366
00:22:23,024 --> 00:22:25,940
certainly some, some ramifications for all this.

367
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:30,552
And, you know, there, there's obviously an unknown. There's just things. I just

368
00:22:30,576 --> 00:22:33,860
don't know what's in their head. Right. What, what they know, what they see.

369
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:37,852
I, I'm fairly confident that they're being told very bad things

370
00:22:37,876 --> 00:22:41,356
about dad. And all I can do is show up and love them

371
00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:44,588
and time will dictate the rest. But it's,

372
00:22:44,684 --> 00:22:48,252
it's not the life I wanted for them, but I have to make it the

373
00:22:48,276 --> 00:22:51,788
best it can be. Yep. Wow. Well, at least you're,

374
00:22:51,884 --> 00:22:55,180
yeah. You've put them first. Yeah. So that's huge, you know.

375
00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:58,092
Yep. Yeah. Always. Yep. And,

376
00:22:58,276 --> 00:23:02,270
and, well, I guess you guys. You said she has

377
00:23:02,310 --> 00:23:05,934
a new child with her affair partner? Yeah,

378
00:23:05,982 --> 00:23:09,246
they, I found out October of 23.

379
00:23:09,318 --> 00:23:12,510
So about a year after Bomb Drop, she was

380
00:23:12,550 --> 00:23:15,822
pregnant. And then they had their, excuse me,

381
00:23:15,846 --> 00:23:19,246
their baby in April of 24. So that was a whole

382
00:23:19,278 --> 00:23:22,610
other mess. And then they got remarried this past October.

383
00:23:23,190 --> 00:23:27,246
So it's just these, you know, different events that have been sprinkled in

384
00:23:27,318 --> 00:23:30,132
over the course last two and a half years that, that I've had to deal

385
00:23:30,156 --> 00:23:33,460
with. But, you know, the baby was a, was an interesting one because,

386
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:37,492
you know, you figure that has to count for something in the divorce

387
00:23:37,556 --> 00:23:41,520
proceeding that could benefit me In a way. And it didn't matter.

388
00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:45,940
She actually used my insurance to have the baby with this

389
00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:50,084
guy. Which opening that, that explanation

390
00:23:50,132 --> 00:23:54,100
of benefit statement was another punch in the gut. But you

391
00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:57,972
just, you just take the beatings as they come and it, it builds a

392
00:23:57,996 --> 00:24:01,204
resiliency in you that prepares you for the next and the next and

393
00:24:01,212 --> 00:24:04,884
the next. You just gotta keep a good heart while you build that resiliency

394
00:24:04,932 --> 00:24:08,564
and hopefully the two align so you, you're changing

395
00:24:08,612 --> 00:24:12,612
as a person and in a good way. Yeah. It's so amazing you

396
00:24:12,636 --> 00:24:16,404
said that because it is so true. It does. You do become more resilient.

397
00:24:16,452 --> 00:24:19,588
You have to. And it's, it's like when bad things happen,

398
00:24:19,644 --> 00:24:22,950
it's like, well, you know, I was,

399
00:24:23,330 --> 00:24:26,506
it's okay, you know, because that's true.

400
00:24:26,618 --> 00:24:29,802
Yeah. Really make you stronger. So, because I was going to ask,

401
00:24:29,826 --> 00:24:33,850
a lot of times I'll ask, you know, well, thoughts on reconciliation, but it

402
00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:37,578
sounds like, you know, that might be a real. Yeah,

403
00:24:37,674 --> 00:24:41,402
I, I'll say that nothing is absolute.

404
00:24:41,546 --> 00:24:44,762
If you had told me this would be the phone call I'm having on

405
00:24:44,786 --> 00:24:48,174
a Tuesday night in March of 25, I would say no.

406
00:24:48,322 --> 00:24:51,766
So I can never say zero. But obviously the,

407
00:24:51,838 --> 00:24:55,062
I've seen and experienced so much, it'd be hard to unsee all of

408
00:24:55,086 --> 00:24:58,662
this. And, and I don't know if she's ever capable of changing.

409
00:24:58,726 --> 00:25:02,070
So reconciliation is probably not on the table. But I will

410
00:25:02,110 --> 00:25:05,270
say though that if, despite all

411
00:25:05,310 --> 00:25:08,038
that she's done, all the destruction that's been reaped,

412
00:25:08,214 --> 00:25:11,302
if she rang the doorbell tonight and said, you know, I,

413
00:25:11,406 --> 00:25:13,782
I need, I needed to move out, I need a place to go, I have

414
00:25:13,806 --> 00:25:17,376
no one, she's more than welcome here.

415
00:25:17,528 --> 00:25:20,992
She's a human being and the mother of my children. She of course has a

416
00:25:21,016 --> 00:25:25,696
safe place to stay that hopefully,

417
00:25:25,888 --> 00:25:29,584
and hopefully she would at some point turn her life around for her kids

418
00:25:29,632 --> 00:25:33,728
sake, if not for her own. But yeah, I think reconciliation is probably

419
00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:37,184
not on the table at this point, but a year ago it would have.

420
00:25:37,192 --> 00:25:40,762
Been just times change and when she comes out of

421
00:25:40,786 --> 00:25:44,218
the tunnel, she could be a much healed and

422
00:25:44,274 --> 00:25:47,530
she could be that person that you really thought she was before, you know,

423
00:25:47,570 --> 00:25:51,258
even better. I mean, that's, I think that's what everybody hopes.

424
00:25:51,434 --> 00:25:55,610
Exactly. That would make, maybe that would make their crisis

425
00:25:55,690 --> 00:25:58,762
worth it in one way or another. I don't know.

426
00:25:58,946 --> 00:26:02,250
But yeah, it is, you know, it's awful.

427
00:26:02,410 --> 00:26:05,786
And let's see, are there any other things you'd like for listeners

428
00:26:05,818 --> 00:26:09,236
to take away from today? That, you know, that we haven't touched

429
00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:12,804
on. I think when,

430
00:26:12,892 --> 00:26:15,652
when, you know, I've, I've talked to people,

431
00:26:15,836 --> 00:26:19,236
I like helping people. I think I'm not a veteran

432
00:26:19,268 --> 00:26:22,212
and there's some people that I've known who have been in this for a lot

433
00:26:22,236 --> 00:26:25,428
longer than I have, but there's people in my own life

434
00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:28,980
that, that have experienced the same thing and they sort of mentored me and they

435
00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:31,764
kind of showed me again what was going to happen next and what was going

436
00:26:31,772 --> 00:26:35,392
to happen next. And every time it actually transpires as

437
00:26:35,416 --> 00:26:38,512
they lay it out. So I like to give back and I like to help

438
00:26:38,536 --> 00:26:42,032
people that might be new to this and that are struggling. And you know,

439
00:26:42,056 --> 00:26:45,648
I tell them confidently, like, you're gonna feel this way today

440
00:26:45,704 --> 00:26:48,896
and tomorrow, but in a year it's going to be different and,

441
00:26:49,048 --> 00:26:52,512
and try to, to, to try to, to ground them and level set them,

442
00:26:52,696 --> 00:26:56,400
but ultimately the key thing is just

443
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,606
be kind. It's the simplest thing.

444
00:26:59,728 --> 00:27:03,002
You know, I, I, I talked to a

445
00:27:03,026 --> 00:27:06,618
leader in my church who, same thing happened to him and

446
00:27:06,754 --> 00:27:14,362
said he

447
00:27:14,386 --> 00:27:17,770
reached out to me when he suspected something was going on. And I

448
00:27:17,810 --> 00:27:20,538
opened up to him and he opened up to me and, and he had gone

449
00:27:20,554 --> 00:27:23,962
through something similar. Now he, he didn't reconcile with

450
00:27:23,986 --> 00:27:27,582
his ex, but he was able to eventually get custody of, of all of

451
00:27:27,606 --> 00:27:31,134
his daughters. And he's now wildly successful

452
00:27:31,182 --> 00:27:35,246
in his private life, relationship life and in church.

453
00:27:35,438 --> 00:27:37,998
And so I asked him, like, what do you, what can I do? What,

454
00:27:38,054 --> 00:27:41,886
what are, what's the one thing you'd recommend I do? And, and he said

455
00:27:42,038 --> 00:27:45,726
like everybody else, take the high road. Take the high road. It is

456
00:27:45,798 --> 00:27:49,646
really hard because you want to go and, you know, slap your spouse across

457
00:27:49,718 --> 00:27:52,430
the face and tell the world how awful they are.

458
00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:55,942
And, but you don't need to do that because it will all take

459
00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:59,654
care of itself and people will learn what the truth

460
00:27:59,702 --> 00:28:02,822
is and they will see the lies from the

461
00:28:02,846 --> 00:28:06,022
truth in time. So that's my

462
00:28:06,126 --> 00:28:09,126
advice to anyone who's brand new to this.

463
00:28:09,278 --> 00:28:12,390
Be kind, take the high road. And it's hard and

464
00:28:12,430 --> 00:28:14,890
take the high road. Very good advice.

465
00:28:15,550 --> 00:28:19,360
And then it'll all work out one way or the other for

466
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,912
all of us. So what anything's going

467
00:28:22,936 --> 00:28:25,740
on now in your, like, how has this changed you for the better?

468
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:29,700
Well, going back to what I said earlier about being resilient,

469
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,660
things that once bothered me now don't.

470
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:37,500
And you know, I, I, I always think back to

471
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,472
is a, is an HBO miniseries I, I used to watch years ago.

472
00:28:41,496 --> 00:28:44,674
It's called Band of Brothers. I'm not sure if you're familiar with that. And it

473
00:28:44,682 --> 00:28:48,290
was, it was a, a great 10 episode series on the

474
00:28:48,330 --> 00:28:52,018
101st Airborne in World War II. And in one of the interviews with one

475
00:28:52,074 --> 00:28:55,842
of the men who had served, he was talking about his experience as he was

476
00:28:55,866 --> 00:28:59,390
transitioning from combat into civilian life again.

477
00:28:59,690 --> 00:29:03,538
And he said, based on my experience where I shot a gun

478
00:29:03,554 --> 00:29:07,310
and killed people, I watched my friends die, I sat in terror for years.

479
00:29:07,690 --> 00:29:11,612
I felt like I could do anything. It was almost like he had obtained a

480
00:29:11,636 --> 00:29:14,764
superpower in a way. Right. And I

481
00:29:14,852 --> 00:29:17,916
feel not like that, but, but somewhat similar.

482
00:29:17,988 --> 00:29:21,836
Like I feel like based on what I'm doing and absorbing every

483
00:29:21,908 --> 00:29:25,240
single day and just taking a beating and getting up and doing it again,

484
00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:29,484
that I have a power that other people don't

485
00:29:29,532 --> 00:29:33,004
have. Not that I want this to happen, but if it is, I'm going

486
00:29:33,012 --> 00:29:35,622
to embrace it and say like, I'm not going to worry about, you know,

487
00:29:35,646 --> 00:29:38,934
the, the electric bill is higher this month or I've got

488
00:29:38,942 --> 00:29:41,782
a flat tire or it's going to rain tomorrow and I want it to be

489
00:29:41,806 --> 00:29:46,134
sunny. None of that matters, none of it. Because this

490
00:29:46,222 --> 00:29:50,006
is horrific what we are experiencing. So it's a different

491
00:29:50,078 --> 00:29:53,890
perspective. And, and then kind of a tangent to that.

492
00:29:54,510 --> 00:29:58,310
You know, the, there's these local groups where people will complain about everything in

493
00:29:58,350 --> 00:30:02,234
town. You know, this speed bump, this pothole. And there was once somebody

494
00:30:02,282 --> 00:30:05,866
wrote about a person in the Starbucks drive thru.

495
00:30:05,898 --> 00:30:09,818
Ahead of them was yelling at the barista about their order or something.

496
00:30:09,954 --> 00:30:13,386
And of course everybody is trashing the individual saying, oh, that person's

497
00:30:13,418 --> 00:30:17,082
a jerk. They should be yelling at this woman who is making minimum wage,

498
00:30:17,146 --> 00:30:20,218
et cetera. And I commented, I said,

499
00:30:20,354 --> 00:30:23,946
you know, you don't know what that person is facing. They could have

500
00:30:24,018 --> 00:30:27,910
a very broken inside that they didn't ask for

501
00:30:28,230 --> 00:30:31,534
and they're externalizing that brokenness and yelling at the individual.

502
00:30:31,582 --> 00:30:34,766
Now it's not right, but look at that person

503
00:30:34,838 --> 00:30:38,446
and what might be inside of them. We are very quick to judge

504
00:30:38,638 --> 00:30:42,238
and I think this experience has taught me to step back and think.

505
00:30:42,374 --> 00:30:45,630
We're all programmed based on our experiences from birth to

506
00:30:45,670 --> 00:30:49,422
now and we're a summation of those things and

507
00:30:49,526 --> 00:30:53,608
to have a little empathy because you don't know what someone else is experiencing

508
00:30:53,734 --> 00:30:56,164
and they could be having a worse day than you.

509
00:30:56,332 --> 00:30:59,604
Absolutely. Yeah. That is true.

510
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:03,012
Well, thank you so much, John, for sharing this

511
00:31:03,036 --> 00:31:06,532
with us today and

512
00:31:06,716 --> 00:31:09,892
wishing you all the best in the future. I think I heard you're starting a

513
00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:13,444
group in your community. Yeah. So there's a number of

514
00:31:13,532 --> 00:31:17,076
folks that I found that are local within, you know, a half a day's drive,

515
00:31:17,108 --> 00:31:20,996
let's say. And you know, it's great to be able to chat

516
00:31:21,028 --> 00:31:24,484
or text over the Internet, but getting in person I

517
00:31:24,492 --> 00:31:27,920
think is beneficial. So I'm trying to organize a local group

518
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:31,888
of us to meet somewhere for a half a day and be able to share

519
00:31:31,944 --> 00:31:35,660
stories and bond over this experience and be able to reach out to,

520
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:40,224
to the group whenever they need help. Because one of us has probably experienced something

521
00:31:40,312 --> 00:31:44,272
that another is struggling with. And if we can use our collective wisdom to help

522
00:31:44,296 --> 00:31:47,856
each other in person or even outside of meetings,

523
00:31:47,968 --> 00:31:51,744
makes a big difference. So hopefully if, if this works,

524
00:31:51,872 --> 00:31:54,992
we can try to get others in other areas of the country to do the

525
00:31:55,016 --> 00:31:58,432
same and just make something a little bit more

526
00:31:58,616 --> 00:32:01,856
substantial offline. Yeah, that would be awesome.

527
00:32:01,968 --> 00:32:05,408
That would really be awesome. All right, well, thank you so much.

528
00:32:05,544 --> 00:32:09,152
We'll see you soon on another episode. And thanks to our

529
00:32:09,176 --> 00:32:12,560
viewers today. And thank you so much, John, for sharing your story

530
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:16,528
and we wish you all the best. Thank you for having me. You know,

531
00:32:16,584 --> 00:32:20,592
midlife crisis is often dismissed as a cliche, but the reality

532
00:32:20,656 --> 00:32:23,870
is far more serious. Many folks feel

533
00:32:23,910 --> 00:32:27,646
that the mental health community has yet to formally classify midlife

534
00:32:27,678 --> 00:32:32,510
crisis as a psychological impairment with real world consequences.

535
00:32:32,670 --> 00:32:36,318
Research suggests that MLC can involve symptoms similar

536
00:32:36,374 --> 00:32:40,110
to depression, identity crises, and even dissociative

537
00:32:40,270 --> 00:32:44,574
states. Like other conditions that impair judgment, such as manic episodes

538
00:32:44,622 --> 00:32:48,030
and bipolar disorder or temporary psychosis, MLC often

539
00:32:48,070 --> 00:32:51,150
leads individuals to make reckless decisions that they

540
00:32:51,190 --> 00:32:54,548
later regret. But they don't even realize that

541
00:32:54,604 --> 00:32:57,892
these are things that they really wouldn't normally want to have

542
00:32:57,916 --> 00:33:01,252
happen under normal circumstances. To prevent

543
00:33:01,316 --> 00:33:05,892
MLC driven destruction, legal reform should

544
00:33:05,916 --> 00:33:09,508
be considered, such as waiting periods for major decisions.

545
00:33:09,604 --> 00:33:13,220
Just as there are waiting periods for gun purchases and other high risk actions.

546
00:33:13,300 --> 00:33:16,596
A mandatory reflection period should be instituted

547
00:33:16,628 --> 00:33:20,154
before finalizing divorce or selling shared property. During an mlc,

548
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:23,710
a lot of folks think legal oversight for spousal protection should

549
00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:27,646
be instilled. If one spouse claims the other is in

550
00:33:27,798 --> 00:33:31,310
midlife crisis, courts could require mediation and

551
00:33:31,350 --> 00:33:35,182
mental health assessments before irreversible legal actions would be

552
00:33:35,206 --> 00:33:38,494
taken. Because throughout our stories, you're going

553
00:33:38,502 --> 00:33:42,062
to hear almost the same exact behavior by the

554
00:33:42,086 --> 00:33:45,678
people experiencing a midlife crisis. There could be

555
00:33:45,734 --> 00:33:49,522
100 people, 99 of them are going to act exactly

556
00:33:49,586 --> 00:33:53,602
the same, even with the same phrases and behavior.

557
00:33:53,746 --> 00:33:56,550
It's absolutely uncanny.

558
00:33:57,130 --> 00:34:01,122
So for this reason, we really feel midlife crisis should

559
00:34:01,146 --> 00:34:04,338
be recognized as a serious mental health and legal issue.

560
00:34:04,474 --> 00:34:07,922
Until there are systems in place to ensure that individuals in crisis are

561
00:34:07,946 --> 00:34:11,250
not making irreversible decisions, countless spouses

562
00:34:11,330 --> 00:34:14,900
will continue to suffer unnecessary devastation.

563
00:34:15,060 --> 00:34:18,372
It's time for the mental health and legal communities to

564
00:34:18,396 --> 00:34:21,540
address this growing epidemic and implement

565
00:34:21,620 --> 00:34:25,940
protections that recognize MLC as a legitimate temporary

566
00:34:26,020 --> 00:34:28,120
impairment. It is temporary,

567
00:34:29,740 --> 00:34:33,428
hopefully not long lasting. But for many women,

568
00:34:33,484 --> 00:34:37,316
they say it could last three to five years. And for men, it's often,

569
00:34:37,468 --> 00:34:41,100
I believe, three to 10 years. So, you know,

570
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,528
when they come out of a tunnel and they realize what they've done, it,

571
00:34:44,584 --> 00:34:48,128
you know, somebody's got to be there to help protect them. And that's

572
00:34:48,144 --> 00:34:52,032
what we hope to show you guys through these episodes is, you know, what a

573
00:34:52,056 --> 00:34:55,440
midlife crisis is really like and, you know,

574
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,864
hopefully spread awareness so

575
00:34:58,952 --> 00:35:02,736
more folks can be prepared and aware, because it's

576
00:35:02,768 --> 00:35:06,216
not just about buying a car. But thank you for joining

577
00:35:06,248 --> 00:35:09,048
us today. Stay strong, stay awesome,

578
00:35:09,144 --> 00:35:12,936
and join us soon for another episode of Midlife

579
00:35:12,968 --> 00:35:15,400
Crisis from Bomb Drop and beyond.